


Crab Canon

by dontrush



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Pesterlog, kind of anyway, palindrome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-07
Updated: 2013-05-07
Packaged: 2017-12-10 15:40:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/787689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dontrush/pseuds/dontrush
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Karkat has yet another conversation with himself from 10 minutes into the future.  Near the end of the third year on the meteor, he and his future self talk about Terezi, Meenah, and others. They are interrupted part way through by an unexpected guest...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crab Canon

CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY, BORING ROAD TRIP THROUGH THE FUCKING AFTERLIFE EDITION.

CCG: ALRIGHT. NOW, I'M GOING TO SET UP TIME RESTRICTIONS ON THIS MEMO SO I DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH ANY MORE SHITTY TIME-DELAYED INTROSPECTION IN THE FUTURE AND THIS MEMO CAN FUNCTION LIKE A RECORD OF MY THOUGHTS LIKE IT WAS GODDAMN *MEANT* TO. JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE TO FIDDLE WITH THE CONTROLS...  
FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 10 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.  
CCG: WELL, FUCK, KARKAT. I GUESS WE CAN'T ALWAYS GET THE INCREDIBLY REASONABLE THINGS WE WANT, AND THAT COUNTS DOUBLE FOR YOU! *SIGH* I AM OFFICIALLY FUCKING *DONE* WITH THIS SHIT.   
FCG: YEAH, WELL, AS HELPFUL AS THIS WILL ULTIMATELY FAIL TO BE, I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE TO SIT THROUGH ANOTHER HALF OF THIS SHITTY MOBIUS DOUBLE CONVERSATIONAL REACHAROUND. I'VE GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN HELP MY PAST SELF SORT OUT HIS SHITTY EMOTIONAL ISSUES.   
CCG: THE FEELING IS MUTUAL, TRUST ME.   
FCG: GOD, I AM SO DREADING HAVING TO "RIFF" WITH YOU AND SPOUT ALL THE NONSENSE I'VE ALREADY SAID FOR WHAT FEELS LIKE THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME.   
CCG: SIGH...WHY DO WE ALWAYS DO THIS TO OURSELVES?   
FCG: I GUESS THERE'S NO ACCOUNTING FOR TASTE.   
CCG: HEY, SPEAKING OF TASTE, I FINALLY TALKED TO TEREZI AGAIN A WHILE AGO AND IT LEFT THE STRANGEST TASTE IN MY MOUTH. IT'S UNBELIEVABLE...THERE SHE IS, ONE OF THE MOST AWESOME, INTELLIGENT TROLLS I KNOW, THROWING HER LIFE AWAY ON FUCKING GAMZEE MAKARA. I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD MAKE HIM A BETTER PERSON FOR HER SAKE BUT...WELL, WE BOTH KNOW HOW THAT TURNED OUT. STILL, I CAN'T BELIEVE SOMEONE LIKE HER WOULD ACTUALLY *WANT* TO BE WITH AN ASSHOLE LIKE HIM.   
FCG: YOU DON'T NEED TO TELL ME TWICE. OH WAIT, HOW COULD I FORGET, YES YOU FUCKING DO. BACK ON TOPIC, HOW CAN SHE EVEN STOMACH THAT SWILL SHE DRINKS? I TRIED SOME ONCE AND IT TASTES FUCKING AWFUL.   
CCG: I KNOW, SHE CAN'T SEEM TO GET OFF THAT DAMN SUBSTANCE OF HERS. I GUESS IT'S JUST _LIKE_ TEREZI, YOU KNOW?   
FCG: SPEAKING OF HER, WHAT'S HER PROBLEM, ANYWAY?   
CCG: I GUESS SHE CAN'T SEE THE POINT OF IT ANYMORE, UNLIKE HOW ROSE WAS ONCE ABLE TO.   
FCG: ON THAT NOTE, WHAT DO YOU THINK IS UP WITH HER? SHE'S STOPPED TALKING TO US.   
CCG: NO CLUE. MAKES ME WONDER IF KANAYA'S HANGING OUT WITH HER SAPPHIC GHOST DANCESTOR. OR IS SHE STILL TRYING TO HUNT GAMZEE DOWN? IF SO, GOOD LUCK TO HER. SHE'LL PROBABLY NEED IT, SINCE I DOUBT THERE'S ANY RHYME OR REASON TO HOW GAMZEE MOVES ABOUT.   
FCG: HE JUST COMES AND GOES AS HE PLEASES, KIND OF LIKE ALL THOSE DAMN GHOSTS DO IN THESE BUBBLES. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?   
CCG: SAY, ABOUT HIM...WHERE EXACTLY DID HE GET OFF TO?   
FCG: LIKE I'M GOING TO HAVE A FUCKING CLUE, YOU PANDEAD SHITHEAD. (FUCK, I SHOULD PROBABLY SWITCH TEXT COLORS SOON NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT.) ANYWAY, WE'RE TEN MINUTES APART, WHY WOULD I HAVE ANY BETTER IDEA THAN YOU?   
CCG: WELL, THANKS A LOT, YOU CANDY-BLOODED FUCKWAD, THAT WAS ALMOST AS HELPFUL AS I WAS EXPECTING! ANYWAY...HOW THE HELL DOES HE DO THAT, EXACTLY?   
KANKRI: *PF99T--TWEEEEEEEEET*   
KANKRI: If it is n9t triggering t9wards either 9f y9u, I w9uld like t9 request a "time-9ut," if y9u will. Y9u tw9 have 6een hurtling slurs 6ack and f9rth f9r quite s9me time n9w and I w9uld n9t 6e the least 6it surprised if y9u have 6een getting triggered f9rth and 6ack as well. Future Karkat, y9ur having experienced this c9nversati9n 9nce 6ef9re grants y9u a unique privilege which y9u must seek t9 check. As f9r the earlier Karkat, this is y9ur first time hearing this, s9 y9ur fresh perspective als9 presents y9u with a privilege in dire need 9f checking. It w9uld 6enefit y9u 69th t9 remem6er the preferred adage 9f the wise and venera6le Tr9ll D9uglas H9fstadter, that 6lah 6lah 6lah...privilege 6lah...tag y9ur triggers 6lah 6lah...privilege again 6lah 6lah 6lah...than ever 6ef9re. Needless t9 say, I expect a m9re reas9ned 9utl99k in this day and age. N9w, if y9u w9uld excuse me, I must 6e 9n my way, s9 let the f9ll9wing whistle 6l9w signify "time-in" f9r this c9nversati9n.   
KANKRI: *PF99T--TWEEEEEEEEET*   
FCG: WELL, THANKS A LOT, YOU CANDY-BLOODED FUCKWAD, THAT WAS ALMOST AS HELPFUL AS I WAS EXPECTING! ANYWAY...HOW THE HELL DOES HE DO THAT, EXACTLY?   
CCG: LIKE I'M GOING TO HAVE A FUCKING CLUE, YOU PANDEAD SHITHEAD. (FUCK, I SHOULD PROBABLY SWITCH TEXT COLORS SOON NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT.) ANYWAY, WE'RE TEN MINUTES APART, WHY WOULD I HAVE ANY BETTER IDEA THAN YOU?   
FCG: SAY, ABOUT HIM...WHERE EXACTLY DID HE GET OFF TO?   
CCG: HE JUST COMES AND GOES AS HE PLEASES, KIND OF LIKE ALL THOSE DAMN GHOSTS DO IN THESE BUBBLES. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?   
FCG: NO CLUE. MAKES ME WONDER IF KANAYA'S HANGING OUT WITH HER SAPPHIC GHOST DANCESTOR. OR IS SHE STILL TRYING TO HUNT GAMZEE DOWN? IF SO, GOOD LUCK TO HER. SHE'LL PROBABLY NEED IT, SINCE I DOUBT THERE'S ANY RHYME OR REASON TO HOW GAMZEE MOVES ABOUT.   
CCG: ON THAT NOTE, WHAT DO YOU THINK IS UP WITH HER? SHE'S STOPPED TALKING TO US.   
FCG: I GUESS SHE CAN'T SEE THE POINT OF IT ALL ANYMORE, UNLIKE HOW ROSE WAS ONCE ABLE TO.   
CCG: SPEAKING OF HER, WHAT'S HER PROBLEM, ANYWAY?   
FCG: I KNOW: SHE CAN'T SEEM TO GET OFF THAT DAMN SUBSTANCE OF HERS. I GUESS IT'S JUST LIKE TEREZI, YOU KNOW?   
CCG: YOU DON'T NEED TO TELL ME TWICE. OH WAIT, HOW COULD I FORGET, YES YOU FUCKING DO. BACK ON TOPIC, HOW CAN SHE EVEN STOMACH THAT SWILL? I TRIED SOME ONCE AND IT TASTES FUCKING AWFUL.   
FCG: HEY, SPEAKING OF TASTE, I FINALLY TALKED TO MEENAH AGAIN A WHILE AGO AND IT LEFT THE STRANGEST TASTE IN MY MOUTH. IT'S UNBELIEVABLE...THERE SHE IS, ONE OF THE MOST AWESOME, INTELLIGENT TROLLS I KNOW, THROWING HER GHOST-LIFE AWAY ON FUCKING KARKAT VANTAS. I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD MAKE MYSELF A BETTER PERSON FOR HER SAKE BUT...WELL, WE BOTH KNOW HOW THAT'S TURNING OUT. STILL, I CAN'T BELIEVE SOMEONE LIKE HER MIGHT ACTUALLY *WANT* TO BE WITH AN ASSHOLE LIKE ME.   
CCG: I GUESS THERE'S NO ACCOUNTING FOR TASTE.   
FCG: SIGH...WHY DO WE ALWAYS DO THIS TO OURSELVES?   
CCG: GOD, I AM SO DREADING HAVING TO "RIFF" WITH YOU AND SPOUT ALL THE NONSENSE I'VE ALREADY SAID FOR WHAT FEELS LIKE THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME.   
FCG: THE FEELING IS MUTUAL, TRUST ME.   
CCG: YEAH, WELL, AS HELPFUL AS THIS WILL ULTIMATELY FAIL TO BE, I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE TO SIT THROUGH ANOTHER HALF OF THIS SHITTY MOBIUS DOUBLE CONVERSATIONAL REACHAROUND. I'VE GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN HELP MY PAST SELF SORT OUT HIS SHITTY EMOTIONAL ISSUES.   
FCG: WELL, FUCK, KARKAT. I GUESS WE CAN'T ALWAYS GET THE INCREDIBLY REASONABLE THINGS WE WANT, AND THAT COUNTS DOUBLE FOR YOU! *SIGH* I AM OFFICIALLY FUCKING *DONE* WITH THIS SHIT.  
FCG banned himself from responding to memo

PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG] 10 MINUTES AGO opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY, BORING ROAD TRIP THROUGH THE FUCKING AFTERLIFE EDITION.

PCG: ALRIGHT, NOW I'M GOING TO SET UP TIME RESTRICTIONS ON THIS MEMO SO I DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH ANY MORE SHITTY TIME-DELAYED INTROSPECTION IN THE FUTURE AND THIS MEMO CAN FUNCTION LIKE A RECORD OF MY THOUGHTS LIKE IT WAS GODDAMN *MEANT* TO. JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE TO FIDDLE WITH THE CONTROLS...

**Author's Note:**

> Based heavily on "Crab Canon" from Douglas Hofstadter's _Gödel, Escher, Bach: an Eternal Golden Braid_.
> 
> As always, send any questions, comments, etc. to my Tumblr at scratchingpostmortem.tumblr.com


End file.
